Reality bites sometimes when you least expect it. You know you have something to offer and you know you can make a difference in someone’s life! You have life experience; you have skills and knowledge; and you  have the drive to lead others. You have the capacity to pick yourself up and follow your goals. BUT, sometimes that small voice inside your head keeps holding you back!

That has been my story for the last six months – I am my own worst enemy!

Planning ahead for a successful method of earning a passive income seemed to be within my grasp. I had my tools of trade, my writing and instructional design skills, and I set out to make a difference for a few others who wanted to tell stories of significant others. I spent several months writing my ecourse and polishing the content early in 2019. I knew that I had something that would appeal to many people, especially family historians. I knew that I needed to get the message out there to entice them to look at my ecourse; and I did know how to follow the instructions for developing and launching a course. I knew the importance of trialing a course and getting the feedback from trusted participants; colleagues and students who would tell me straight, what worked and what needed refinement.

All of that was put in place midway through the year and I was encouraged by the way in which my triallers embraced the course and fulfilled all of the requirements for completion. Later I was empowered by their feedback and their support; and their willingness to share.

I knew that I needed to engage groups of people with presentations about my course, both face to face and online; but nothing really came of those in tangible ways. I had failed to learn how to market my presentations, my course and my business; and to build a client base that would sustain a passive income goal. No money to pay for such learning about marketing and I was right back at the beginning. Oh such a subtle slide backwards!

Challenge after challenge was put in my path this year to refine and then publish the course ready for new learners. The life got in the way; family illness and loss held me back – I lost some of my drive and those goals languished in my self pity. Goals I had written on my drawing board were covered over and left unnoticed for many weeks. None of my family history stories had been updated in months and I had given up my subscriptions to genealogy sites I could no longer afford. Even my blog posts had dwindled to small contributions and then completely dried up.

Social media sites I had built and invited others to join were neglected and left to decay! Followers I had attracted and colleagues I had nurtured were being ignored!

By October I was convinced that my dream was nothing but a fantasy and that I should focus on concrete actions to earn money the hard way. Nothing seemed to give me hope – to remind me of my own goals – and I retreated – telling myself I had no energy and nothing left to give. I found other things to fill my time; little tasks, reports and obligations to others. My own plans were frozen in time. My ideas were no longer being noted and written into my forward planning and I lost my way.

For many months I had felt like my life was adrift with no real purpose and I lacked guidance to bring myself back on track. Not one reading of my beloved Runes had taken place since early this year. I had even failed to call on my soul friend (‘mo Anam Cara’) for solace and guidance. Not even one solitary piece of poetry had arisen from these black days! Had my mind gone on sabbatical? Some days were more difficult than others; often it took much more effort to get out of bed and I could easily drift into the early morning with nothing to show for my time. No one knew of this internal anguish as I kept my mask on around others. My life was not punctuated by massive health issues or life impacting events such as those I was observing around me – life for me, had simply become beige.

Then an epiphany – I realized that I needed to tell my own story and get back on the drawing board. I had listened to the stories of others in their speeches, podcasts, movies and books – people like me who are doing the best they can with what they have – and finally the penny dropped! My own thoughts were depressing my talents; my own self talk was destroying my confidence and my indolent, lazy self had taken over rendering my days into meaningless nothingness.

I pieced together all the messages into an awakening; messages I was receiving through my disturbing dreams, the type of books I was reading and the style of movies I was surfing through. Dreams that focused on the ‘many rooms in my house’ (the pieces of me) teaching me how to get out of danger or retrieve what was mine – were the catalyst for this awakening. I was seeking a new path a new goal!

Something must be changed! That change has to come from within; a change to sweep away the negativity, the poor me attitude and the lack of self confidence. I need to redeem my drive and I need a new goal! I need to write, I need time to write and I need my writing to mean something to me and to others. I need to carve out specific time for that writing and to heed that other inner voice that is finally getting loud enough to be heard.

Self worth is such a fragile thing – easily tattered by odd black thoughts and becomes inert by self doubt. We often seek out distraction from other peoples stories to bury our own.

What am I writing about here? I am sharing my resolve to pick up the pieces and to navigate forward on a new trajectory!

I am inspired by great writers, great producers and great speakers! I can transform my next journey as they have done! I can write my stories from a new perspective – I can set them in the future and use my future awakening to rewrite the past!

Anam Cara: turning point!